24.10.25
I have decided that I don’t miss him.
I miss the feeling of being next to him.
I wondered if I felt loved, and how does that feel?
How can I compare
when it’s too biased for me to judge?
When you’re a little girl, they tell you how it feels to be loved.
I was too busy with my after-school world to notice that whisper.
But would I listen?
If only I knew, maybe it would be different.
Sometimes I think it’s entirely my fault.
But how would I know?
It’s the world I had to navigate in blindness.
I think it’s individual - how long you miss someone.
Maybe it’s something out of your control.
Sometimes your will just isn’t strong enough.
It was a cycle of good and bad moments in our journey,
always something on my mind,
but now, it’s not.
But I have trouble remembering him.
It makes me sad
but I don’t.
They always told me I’m a bit slow to process things.
Still, it makes me sad that I don’t remember his voice,
his face, or his touch.
Does he remember me?
Maybe it’s just me.
So many things have happened in my life
turns, setbacks, rollercoasters.
I wish I could be his friend sometimes,
but I know I won’t be.
Maybe I do miss him.
I think we weren’t good for each other.
I made him feel trapped,
and he made me feel insecure
like he always had one foot out the door.
How could one love another like that?
But lately, I keep remembering the good things I swore I wouldn’t.
Stupid mind.
Maybe it’s because my best friend no longer wants to be with me.
The grown-up world sucks.
Did he feel the same with his friend?
I was worried my other friend was moving too fast,
but after the last visit, I realized
she’s moving forward in her own way
and that’s right for her.
Even if some words hurt me,
it’s a small price.
I’m happy for her.
I never noticed when his words hurt me.
So I am no one to judge.
I am moving forward.
I don’t miss him because of the excitement or adventures,
the cozy dinners or the fights
I’ve had enough of those.
I think I miss him because of his eyes.
They pierced through me,
like they knew me,
understood me,
and didn’t judge.
I miss being understood.
Does he know that that song has streamed again?
I cried.
I couldn’t handle it as well as I thought I would.
The beautiful lyrics pierced through my heart.
The memories hurt my mind,
and no one understood.
But more than that
I miss being the one who understood him,
who comforted him when he was sad, overwhelmed, or angry.
I’ve seen so many eyes,
yet none like his.
I couldn’t explain it.
